An Ode To Big Johnny

Winston-Salem, NC -- The world lost a good man last week in (Big) John(ny) Barnard. Growing up, when you're in those awkward teenage years, interaction between a friend's parent and yourself is pretentious at best. But an awkward situation never arose between "Big Johnny" and me. I think, secretly, he enjoyed hanging out with our group of friends. We could always talk sports -- mostly baseball and football -- probably because we pulled for the same teams; the Orioles, then later on the Nats, and the Redskins. A 7-11 Big Gulp could usually be found in his right hand during the games, on travel, or working at his "home" office, a la the dining room table until 4:00 a.m. Jason and I couldn't pull any pranks because Big Johnny was on the prowl late into the night. Anyway, this short blog doesn't come close to summing up my experiences with Big Johnny. Here are some of my favorite "Big Johnny" moments:

• After us whipper-snappers set off some fireworks during the first trip to the Ocean City beachhouse, Big Johnny trys to show everyone who's boss with some omnipotent fireworks of his own. Trying to one up us, Big Johnny lights the fireworks in the adjacent field, except one firecracker goes astray, setting the entire field on fire. Big Johnny leaps the fence (moving like his pants were on fire), grabs the hose, and begins to stomp and spray the field out.
• I commented to Big Johnny his fondness for hot dogs. When I asked him where you could obtain the ideal, best, juiciest dog, his response was "Oh, that's at that little mobile stand at the Home Depot."
• Big Johnny was helping Jason move out of his dorm at Salisbury (State) University one year. They were able to get most of Jason's belongings packed; however, they ran out of daylight to move them. Big Johnny, not wanting to drive back to Ocean City that night and then return in the morning, simply took Jason's nasty, dirty laundry, sprawled it out over the floor, and lied down on it to sleep.
• This list has to include a golfing story. Big Johnny claimed to be some "expert" golfer. The only time "expert," "golfer," and "Big Johnny" can be in the same sentence should be in reference to his line-drive swings. No matter what the terrain may be, Big Johnny's shot will follow the hills, valleys, and water traveling approximately 3 feet off the ground like a "lazer." Last fall, when we played at Sligo, Big Johnny hit his patent line drive shot that followed a 50 foot valley. The ball went down the valley (in the air), hit a bridge post at the bottom, then shot back toward us and landed 25 feet to the right of the tee box. Big Johnny walked over, picked up the ball, walked back, swatted a line drive down the fairway, and acted like nothing happened. A roar of laughter ensued.
• The first time that we played golf in Ocean City, Big Johnny's tee shot wandered far to the left near the driving range. Big Johnny walked over in pursuit of his golf ball, but it was on the other side of some small pine trees. After 5-10 minutes of being "lost," Big Johnny returned to the edge of the fairway only to find his ball. Only his pair of sweatpant shorts were stuffed with driving range balls.
• After giving me gripe for having my lawn mower settings too high and cutting the lines diagonally in high school, Big Johnny feared that his lawn would "burn out." I later told Big Johnny that somebody called my yard "Camden Yards" as they were driving by. A week later, I became his full-time lawn boy for the front yard. That yard looked exceptional with those diagonal lines.
• I'm not sure if this last one was true, but I'll tell it anyway. Since Big Johnny worked at home, his path often crossed ours during our summers in high school. Everyone who knew Big Johnny knows that he's a big-time talker. Well, that all of that talking (whatever it was about) finally got on Jason's nerves. Jason, plotting to do something to shut Big Johnny up, came up with a plan. Jason snuck a laxative into Big Johnny's spaghetti and meat balls that #5 made. Consequently, Big Johnny spent the rest of the day and night on the toilet, only talking to himself.

There are too many stories for today's blog. I'm sure that the readers who knew "Big Johnny" could add their own arsenal here all day long as well. You the man, Big Johnny!